because it hurts less
This post is subject to heavy editing when I get a chance. It is incredibly long (for me, anyway) and personal in nature, and I don't have the energy to edit it out and pretty it up tonight. Just please bear that in mind...I wasn't going to write this post, but it's
turning into something of a
blogosphere shitstorm, and I do have an awful lot to say, so what the hell.
Malkin, who I usually respect, seems to have phoned this one in, because it is not only lacking any sort of real research at all, her column dosen't even seem to care about the reality of the situation and instead prefers to make political points off of it.
I want to preface it with saying that I went through this with someone I was very close to, and so have a serious personal connection to the issue as well as having done some research on it. In deferance to people I know IRL that occasionally read this blog, that's all I'm going to say about that.
I also want to clarify a common misconception; that self-mutilation, or "cutting", isn't suicide. It is completely seperate, and while not necessarily unrelated, it is not necessarily related either. Self-mutilation is not always an indicator for suicidal tendancies, and to me anyway, there is an important distinction there.
First off, much has been made of the "broken home" angle. Several folks have pointed out that kids from perfectly normal homes do this. Is divorce good for a kid? No, not really. You know what's worse? Parents who stay together even though they hate each other for "The Children" or out of religious conviction or whatever. Ever talked to a 16 year old kid whose parents loathed each other, barely said two words to each other and when they do it's at the top of their lungs?
Yeah, that's real healthy.
In a perfect, Beaver Cleaver world, people would get married and that'd be it, they'd be madly in love forever and ever. But that isn't reality, and it never will be, and it's much healthier to grow up with divorced parents that can tolerate each other (in small amounts when they absolutely have to) than a dozen other situations.
The people that really irritate me with this, aside from the people who apparently do live in a Beaver Cleaver perfect world and don't understand why everyone else dosen't, are adults whose parents were divorced who continue to blame their own fucked-up lives on it. I'm a child of divorced parents. It created some problems, especially considering who my parents are, and it solved alot of others. But if you're 25 or 30 years old and still can't move on past your parent's screwed-up relationship, it's time to step into fucking reality, act like an adult and take responsibility for your own life. If it's that bad, don't ever talk to them again. You aren't sixteen, it's time to be your own person.
The reason these people, common fare on daytime talk shows and "investigative reports", irritate me so bad is that they propogate this idea that getting divorced is the worst thing that can happen to your kids, which seems to be so popular among some cultural-conservative types. If you see someone 25 years old still bitching about his parent's divorce, there's something else going on there. That individual has bigger problems going on but prefers to blame his or her parents.
Second, with due respect, this line from
the Llamabutchers irritated the crap outta me : " Also, from the fact that the kid was able to maintain a website at someone else's house, it seems to me that there are large gaps in the time this mother spends with her daughter, gaps where evidently no one else is properly supervising.
I'm sorry, but when I was 14, I never ran loose like this - I was never allowed to." While the girl in that particular article may have been given a bit more freedom than is proper for someone her age, that is often the way these things go. The girl had been maintaining the website at a relative's house, probably someone set to watch her when her parents weren't around. Again, is that the ideal situation? No. But if mom's supporting her kids, that's the way it goes. This mom had the luxory of a relative that could at least make sure the kid didn't burn the house down while she was away. Alot of moms don't have that option, and so the kid is alone until mom gets home at night or, if mom works night shift, all night long. There are alot of fourteen year olds that act as the head of the household when mom has to work.
Another thing about that bit: this girl was fourteen, but alot of kids don't really get into cutting until later than that. Sixteen, even eighteen sometimes. You can't watch over your kid forever.
And one last argument from that: maintaining a website isn't mandatory to being a cutter. Unless you stand guard over your kid while she's sleeping and in the bathroom and at school and activites, there's no way to absolutely prevent your kid from doing this. Yes, there's warning signs, but knowing the line between when your kid is just being a tempestous teenager and actually doing this can be awfully difficult to distinguish.
Another thing getting alot of play is the Hollywood angle. I'm sortof split on this one. On the one hand, alot of kids, especially the social misfit types, really do look up to some of these people. There comes a point where alot of kids decide that they're going to be outcasts forever, so fuck it, they'll be outcasts to the full extent they can. And who do they look to? Rock stars. Actors and Actresses. Anyone who has taken their social misfit status to immense fame and popularity.
While it's been pointed out that it's not just the obvious misfits who do this sort of thing, I want to disagree with the implication that that means every kid in America is doing it. For one, while it's possible that the captain of the football team or the local prom queen is a cutter, I would say it's awful damn unlikely. For those popular kids that do, there is something else going on beyond their performance in school or on the team. Maybe abuse (either physical, emotional, or both), maybe some serious social issues that somehow remain otherwise dormant, I don't know, but I would say that those people that are outwardly normal then do this when they're alone are the extreme exception.
The reason being, stuff like this dosen't happen overnight. There are lots and lots of indicators that don't necessarily signify a problem but do signify getting closer to one: overt bitterness, depression, or anti-social behaviour, rejection of rules or disobedience in school or at home, unusually hectic or erratic relationships, and yes, even music and clothing choices are indicators. This is where the Llamabutchers are right: It's all a pattern of discontent. Kids who do this don't feel that they have a place or a social group they can rely on, so they start playing out that part as they feel it should be played out, and become more involved with it over time.
Which brings us back to Hollywood. The social outcast is a common and popular image. People striving for an image of outcast, ironically and inevitably because of these feelings, try to be more like the tragic heros and heroines on the tee vee and radio, to feel a kinship with those people. Which is why someone like Christina Ricci, the exact role model I'm talking about, saying shit like this distresses me:
"I wanted to see if I can handle pain. It's sort of an experiment to see if I can handle pain"..."No. You get this endorphin rush. You can actually faint from pain. It takes a second, a little sting, and then it's like you really don't feel anything. It's calming actually."It's like having a drink. But it's quicker. You know how your brain shuts down from pain? The pain would be so bad, it would force my body to slow down, and I wouldn't be as anxious. It made me calm."
Now no, obviously, nobody is going to read that and say "Hey, that sounds like fun!" But does it plant an idea? Does it make it seem considerably more acceptable to a teen looking for a common soul who likes Ricci's work? You betcha.
That's a small part of the blame, but part none the less. Any responsible person who has fans would never say dumb shit like that. But, just as when someone kills a bunch of people because he thinks he's Napoleon reborn isn't Napoleon's fault, this problem isn't Ricci's fault. The fault lies deeper, but Ricci is what I believe the AA folks call an "enabler". She isn't the cause, but she sure as hell isn't helping.
It should be pointed out that I don't like or listen to "emo" at least in its current incarnation; none of my friends like or listen to emo; in fact, we generally, in a light way, make fun of people that do. Emo is not the cause of this problem, any more than Christina Ricci, and as far as I know considerably less than her. If there's an emo band out there that somehow glorifies cutting, they should be roundly and rightly criticized for it, and I wouldn't let my kids listen to it. But if you're depressed or angry, there's plenty of music out there to feed it, and very little of it is sung by Taking Back Sunday.
(As an aside:
this guy can eat my shit and die. "I can name three obscure metal bands! I'm so fucking HARD!" If you think there aren't any metalheads that do this, you are sadly mistaken. In fact, I'd there's an awful lot of them.)
So now for the big question: why do they do it, and what can we do about it? Well, the "why" I've sortof indirectly answered. In my experience, people that do this don't feel like they have much of a support system. The "nobody loves me, nobody cares if I live or die" feeling is often caricaturized among teenagers, but that dosen't make it any less intense when it is real. Alienation, I would say, is the primary motivation. Whether it stems from family, school, or (also oft-caricaturized) relationships, cutting is an externalization, and a channeled release from, emotional pain and feelings of a unacceptable, and unaccepted, real life.
I like a quote from a movie here. It's a chickflick that features a character that is a cutter, and it may be a simplification but seems to get the point of view across: "Why do you do it?" "Because it hurts less." "Less than what?" "Everything else."
While that may seem melodramatic to some, it captures very concisely what is going through a person's head when they hurt themselves. It hurts less, and, by comparison, is a release.
Another reason, that no one seems to like and maybe isn't as common as my experience suggests, is that some people do it for attention. They don't like to admit it to themselves, but they like the looks they get when people see the cuts on their arms, and don't quite buy the story of "it was my cat". In this respect it is similar to suicide attempts: it screams fucked-up individual, which draws a sort of attention, a controversy, all its own. Again, they don't feel a part of any society, so they advertise it to everyone that can see, in hopes that someone will care enough to take an interest.
That's another part; alot of parents and kids friends try to take an interest, but are pushed away. The bitterness and lonlieness becomes so ingrained that, despite a cry and a desperate desire for help, any who try get pushed away.
So, what are we to do? Are our kids all fucking crazy? Well, not to put too fine a point on it; yes, it is a crazy-people sort of thing to do. It is not a healthy way of dealing with problems. It comes from a long time spent not dealing with problems well.
The first thing, and the most obvious thing as well as the thing the cultural conservatives have right, is to pay attention to your kid from the word go. This is easier in a situation where both the mother and father are around, but it takes the right kind of people. The point where this so often goes wrong is the "quality time" syndrome; if you only have time for your kid from 7-9 on alternating weekdays, your priorities are screwed. A teenager will see right through an attempt to be their companion because of a responsibility rather than desire. This dosen't mean you have to be their friend, it means you have to be their parent; not just someone who doles out groceries and discipline, but someone who actually gives a damn and takes an interest in their kid beyond when they have the spare time for it. Don't be a pain in the ass about it, just be a presence. Granted, being a presence without being a pain in the ass is one of the hardest parts of parenting, but that's your job. Sit down and figure it out.
Second, much noise has been made about pushing kids off on school counselors. While I am entirely against sub-letting your kids to a stranger, letting a mental illness like severe depression go because your pride gets in the way of letting someone help isn't doing anybody any favors, including your child. If you've tried everything you can think of and still think your kid has a problem (and I mean a big time problem, not what Billy said about their hair last week but things like real depression, self-mutilation or suicidal tendancies), whether it's because you got a screwy kid or because you're just a lousy parent, swallow your ego and send them to a professional. I want to say that there's no shame in sending your kid to a shrink, but honestly, I know how alot of people view these things. It can be embarrassing for both you and your kid, but it can save alot of trouble and lifelong injury in the long run.
The sad truth is that this problem isn't going away any time soon. Despite Malkin's alarmist article, it has been around forever and is going to stay. There are good people that are shitty parents out there, and there are even more teenagers that are messed up from any of a number of sources. It dosen't come from emo, or from Christina Ricci, or "society" in the sense of "society today". Much like many areas of parenting, it's part of the reality and potential pitfalls of raising a child, whether it's a single parent home or the Cleaver family. But there are things that can be done to mitigate the potential: primarily, truly care for your kid. Don't just try to, actually do it. The more that happens, the less often this will happen.
I know it seems like if been kissing Ilyka's ass an awful lot lately, but what can I say, the girl's on fucking fire. She has an individual perspective on this and her final advice is perfect, she exactly encapsulates
what I've been trying to say for a few paragraphs now:
And that last is more or less what I'd say, what I have in fact said, to a teenager I knew was cutting: This passes. All the aggro and the bullshit, well, guess what?--You grow up and get to trade it all for new aggro and new bullshit. But it's still better, and you may not know it now, but you do want to get there, and you want to get there with as few scars as possible. If you need help to do that, get help to do that--but don't hurt yourself like this.
You know what I wouldn't say? I wouldn't say "quit listening to that depressing music." I wouldn't say "such a shame; I'll bet if your parents had stayed together, this would never have happened." I wouldn't say anything trite or trivializing or dismissive or simplistic about a serious subject.
It passes. In the mean time, deal with it as best you can.
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